


Ikanaide

by ProjetoAniverse, VampyreWalker (VampireWalker)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Drama, Angst and Feels, Arranged Marriage, Drama, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, I am sad but now I’m better, I feel guilty, Inspired by Music, M/M, Mentioned Hinata Shouyou, Mentioned Shimizu Kiyoko, Mentioned Sugawara Koushi, Nishinoya Yuu is in love, Not My Fault, One-Sided Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu - Freeform, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Unrequited Love, What Have I Done, i was sad, i’m sorry for doing this, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:19:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26692075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProjetoAniverse/pseuds/ProjetoAniverse, https://archiveofourown.org/users/VampireWalker/pseuds/VampyreWalker
Summary: Nishinoya wondered why he was there, despite maintaining the smile and pretending everything was fine, but it wasn’t. That day was the least expected and, there he was, seeing his love marry another person.
Relationships: Azumane Asahi & Nishinoya Yuu, Azumane Asahi/Nametsu Mai, Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	Ikanaide

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Ikanaide](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26692045) by [ProjetoAniverse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProjetoAniverse/pseuds/ProjetoAniverse), [VampireWalker](https://archiveofourown.org/users/VampireWalker/pseuds/VampireWalker). 



A few days ago, he discovered that his friend had a wedding scheduled which he would be the groom. His heart sank, he did not wait for this news, mainly because he knew it was very sudden.

“So, could you explain to me what is going on?” he said, taking a deep breath. He knew he should be happy for the other, yet it was impossible.

“You remember that my family is traditional, right? They looked for another one that was also to be able to do this arranged marriage.” The taller boy smiled, as if explaining something simple. “And you know how I am, I don’t have problems with it.”

“But Asahi, and your desire?”

“It exists, I already met the girl, Nametsu-san is very calm, I like her.”

Nishinoya’s eyes widened, he couldn’t believe what he heard. He recognized the girl’s surname, she was the manager of one of the schools they faced in the past, if he was not wrong, she was…

“Are you going to marry Datekou's ex-manager? I thought you are still terrified just to remember this school, after all/ you know, iron wall.

“Don’t remember me from those dark times, Noya.” A shiver ran through Azumane’s body, who had just seen the high monsters of that time.

The small one didn’t know what to say, he thought he could over the years talk about his feelings for his friend and they would be together, because he realized that the other seemed to feel something for him, however now he was confused. His emotions were mixed, a mixture of sadness, frustration, nonconformity, anger and a slight hope took over his being.

“Asahi-san, I have something important to tell you.” He never imagined that that was how he would tell him, but he knew that desperate times call for desperate measures. He waited attentively for a sign that he could continue, his heart couldn't take the delay any longer. The little hope he had seemed to fade away. When he heard he could proceed, he continued, "I like you, Asahi.”

“I like you too, Noya.” He smiled, the company of the younger was nice and their friendship was always good.

“No, Azumane, you don’t understand. I  _ like _ you more than as a friend.”

Silence hung between them, Azumane’s sudden realization left him wide-eyes. In all those years, it never got through his head that someone could feel this kind of feelings for him, especially his Karasuno’s friend, they had known each other for six years and he didn’t ever think about his friendship or giving it a try to be something else.

“I’m sorry Yuu, I…” he sighed, it was difficult to dismiss him. “I don’t like you that way, sorry. Mai is a good person and I've been in love with her since we got close again.”

“Hahahaha, Asahi-san! It was a joke, don’t need to be serious, I just wanted to know how you would react!” Nishinoya forced a smile, hitting hard on Asahi's back. “I hope you are happy with Nametsu-san.”

Lies, lies and more lies. It was clear that he wished the best for Azumane, because he seconded his feelings, first are the fact that he was his friend, but it didn’t mean that it didn't hurt to hear those words come out of his mouth.  _ I don’t like you that way. _

Yuu changed the subject quickly, talking about something and everything that wasn’t this topic. He was trying to be strong to not show anything that was passing inside his head, his emotions and feelings were mixed and out of sync searching for liberty without success. 

Not much time has passed till the Nishinoya said goodbye to Azumane, saying he has a reunion with his ex-classmates. The truth was that he couldn’t stand being in the same place with him until he organized all his feelings so he didn’t mind telling some more lies.

When Nishinoya finally had time for himself he was locked up in his bedroom, and he didn’t know how he walked back home, but now he let himself feel everything running through his body. He felt himself tremble from his extremities, his wobbly legs that could no longer keep him up, his hands roamed in his clothes trying to take it off unsuccessfully nor could he unzip his coat. He cried with all the strength that remained falling on the ground with his face in his hands that were trembling when he yelled with all his lungs.

He just hoped that he could live with this news.

**[~]**

More than one month has passed and now it was may. Nishinoya pretended that everything was fine and acted normal in Azumane’s presence even though every time he saw the older he felt like several knives were going through him whenever he heard about the wedding, like how Azumane and Nametsu were approaching and falling in love slowly. When the subject emerged Nishinoya always put his best fake smile he had and said how happy he was for the other while his heart cried blood.

Sometimes Nishinoya though he couldn’t atc anymore in Asahi’s presence, it was too much torture for him to live knowing that he had to say that his feelings were a joke so that his love did not get worse and worsened his state of mind as well his psychical and psychological. Despite him trying to reaffirm to himself that their friendship came before his feelings, this logic couldn’t be applied in his case. He only knew pain and suffering and he was satisfied with it.

“How are the preparations?” Nishinoya asked disinterested still praying to any god that could hear him that it would end. He didn’t want to know but as the groom’s friend he had to ask.

“Everything is fine as far as I know, Mai is choosing the clothes she will wear this week. We were in doubt as to whether our ceremony would be western or oriental, we prefer to opt for the oriental, to enjoy a little of our own culture.”

Yuu had forgotten that Asahi was his sunshine now darkened by the black clouds of anguish. He had also forgotten that Asahi had an open heart filled with love and affection for others and Nishinoya felt careless and ignored, like his needs weren’t important.

“Oooh, Asahi-san! You are gonna marry this beautiful girl using a mon-tsuki? What a beautiful opportunity.” Nishinoya smiled while nudging his friend and elbowing his ribs. One thing he was sure of was that he knew how to disguise/mask very well.

“Well, she’s already pretty anyway, it will only enhance her beauty,” Azumane was embarrassed scratching his head, ruffing his hair slightly. “Noya, stop hitting me, it hurts and you look like Suga.”

For one second, Asahi had the impression that he saw a sudden sadness in Yuu’s brown eyes turning them opaque. When he blinked to see again just to make sure that he saw it right, Asahi realized that it was normal with the same sparkle as always. He must have imagined things like it was a trick from his tried brain played on him because Nishinoya was happy with his wedding, he always said it to him every time they met.

“Ah Noya, I had a request for you,” the sparkle in his eyes surprised Azumane, it was like he was expecting something that Asahi could not give. “Could you be my best man? I would be very honored if my best friend can/could be my best man.”

_ Oh, sure, nothing would be about me, never was and never will _ . These thoughts prowled his mind without rest in the last seconds, and Nishinoya felt without life and feelings, he was empty.

“Of course yes, Asahi-san! I couldn’t let this opportunity pass.” The words best friends circled his head tirelessly and Nishinoya opened a smile to say that he was very happy to have accepted. One more lie to the collection.

“Thanks Yuu really, you don’t know how happy I’m to have you around that day, your presence on my side will be very special to me.

_ You are breaking me _ .

“It’s nothing, it is what  _ best friends _ do!”

**[~]**

Nishinoya couldn’t take it anymore because hiding his unhappiness was very complicated. Every time he was alone in his bedroom he removed everything he wore except his underwear and he would take the razor blade that became his best friend in the moments he was alone, letting it dance through his body without care. Several scratches adorned his skin completely, fillets of blood appareded forming new scars that joined the old ones. It was difficult to maintain sanity.

And he didn’t know how he could live with this. So, if this was the price he had to pay to maintain sanity, he would do it.

Yuu could see the blood escaping from the scratches and painting his body and he didn’t care. Asahi didn’t love him, so why would he try to stop himself.

The only thing he knew is: he couldn’t be normal anymore. He was suffering, depressive and, of course, didn’t need anything else except his best friend, the razor, to feel better.

**[~]**

“Calm down, Yuu, it is nothing you know,” he tried with all the forms to convince himself unsuccessful. The wedding invitation had just arrived and scheluted for a month.

He had thirty days to think about what to do without despair. The truth was that Nishinoya wanted to run after his love and beg for his feelings to be accepted and be with Asahi, but Nishinoya was destined to see him walk (in another/to a different) path and he would be there just looking.

He felt tears run down his face slowly as he told himself to not cry. Nishinoya pressed his chest over the shirt thanking him for having nobody in home so he could express his feelings without a problem.

“Please don’t go…” He said quietly, repeating the same phrase over and over again. Yuu didn’t have the courage to say them higher although it was what he wanted.

Nishinoya knew that these days he couldn’t see the taller one when he wanted because Asahi would be occupied enough finishing the things for his  _ blessed _ ceremony. He was aware that it wouldn’t be the same thing when Nametsu Mai became Azumane Mai because there would be no room for him in this relationship and in reality he never had.

Yuu didn’t want to admit but he understood that Asahi would leave his life (little by little) like he already was leaving and letting him be lonely in a world where he, Nishinoya Yuu, could not bear to live.

He was tired, done and destroyed.

**[~]**

“NOOYAAAA-SAAAAAN!” He recognized this lively voice and he felt trapped in a warm hug. “Noya, Noya, Noya! It’s been a while, bro!”

“RYUUUUU!” For the first thing since his world was fragmented by feelings and emotions that he felt truly happy. Meeting his friend from high school was his only moment of happiness in the last few months. “How are you?”

“Oh, you know, Kiyoko-san has been pulling my ears these days, saying that I need to find a decent outfit for Asahi-san’s wedding. She’s hurting me, man, saying that my taste in kimonos is horrible.

_ Ah _ . How could Nishinoya not remember that they only met to try on kimonos for the event in a few days. All the happiness he was feeling vanished like a bucket of cold water because it was a revelation that he (wanted to not be remembered/ didn’t want to remember).

“Yuu, are you ok?” Tanaka looked at him worried because he noticed his change of mood quickly. “You had a… melancholy expression.”

“Hahahaha, Ryuu my friend, that’s where you are wrong!” He had to hide it as soon as possible, nobody could understand what was going on with him. “Do you really think I'm depressed? Since when is Nishinoya Yuu like this, are you going crazy?”

He  _ knew _ the answer, he had been like that for so long that he no longer counted how many hours, days and months had passed by to not feel like that, crushed by everything he had kept for himself.

“Every time I remember that you married Shimizu-senpai, I felt betrayed. You didn’t even ask my hand first Ryuu, that’s absurd,” Nishinoya joked while he hit the other’s arm lighty trying to relax.

“Noya-san, you had the greatest act of bravery that I saw all my life! I will never forget your words when you said mainly ‘Ryuu, my bro, your happiness is my happiness. Kiyoko-san will be our goddess forever and if you, a lowly mortal, can be able to take the job of being the husband of this deity, I will be proud.’” Tanaka cried as he recited the words spoken to him many years ago. Smiling, Yuu put one of his hands on Ryuu's waist, hugging him.

“One time a goddess…”

“Always a goddess.” Ryuunosuke completed hugging Nishinoya back with all affection.

“Now I think we better find decent kimonos before our supreme goddess of perfection kills us,” Nishinoya said and they laughed because both knew that it could really happen.

For their joy, they managed to find the perfect and suitable clothes for the wedding, of course the pieces were evaluated by Kiyoko and approved by her.

Nishinoya was happy for the Tanakas, he missed them. It was a lovely afternoon that was spent with them mainly Ryuunosuke. Finally he could distract himself from everything he felt even if they had met to choose clothes for what caused him such suffering.

Too bad his happiness didn’t last long because as soon as he returned home and found himself facing nothing, only loneliness, everything came back as a shock. He had just looked for something for the blessed ceremony.

As if nothing could get worse, his cell phone rang alerting him that he had received a message from nothing more and nothing less than his love. He had never unlocked the device as fast as that moment, too bad it was to see what he didn't want.

Asahi-san: Yuu, thank you so much for all the encouragement these past few days. I feel that Mai and I now have something beyond trust, we declared to each other when we met today to clarify what was missing.

Asahi-san: I’m the happiest man in the face of Earth.

Just below the text was an image. He saw Azumane's smile, his brown hair loose over his shoulders, the black glasses he only wore when he was doing his work or reading, his brown eyes shining with satisfaction and euphoria. Beside him Nametsu gave a kiss on his cheek, her caramel hair stuck in a low ponytail, leaving it over her shoulder, eyes closed and face lightly stained.

He dropped his phone, petrified. Nishinoya wished he hadn't opened his chat so quickly, he should have suspected that would happen. It had been a long time since they had talked and not seen each other, now the designer had no doubt in his choice, his message showed that there was certainty in his voice and in his decision. How Yuu cursed himself for not having said anything, for being so naive as to still believe that he could get out of that trance and wake up in the arms of his love, as if everything were just a prolonged nightmare that countless nights of sleep were giving him.

Even though he was against everything he thought, Yuu just wanted Azumane to be happy..

**[~]**

“Yuu, thank you so much for coming. Sorry for the short notice, I needed help and could only think of you, that’s why I called early.”

“Hahaha, it’s nothing, Asahi,” Nishinoya smiled, it was true this time. “So, for what you need my help?”

The former libero rushed to the kimonos store looking forward to spending time with his beloved. He had forgotten to pass his precious hair gel so quickly that he was and this ended up leaving him with the appearance of a lost child, a description Shouyou had given him in their first camp.

“I want you to help me choose what I’m gonna wear, I heard from Tanaka that you’ve already chosen your clothes and were ready for the ceremony.”

Is that why he rushed out of his house, to decide which piece of fabric his love would wear  _ that day _ ? The gods could only be joking.

“Of course, Asahi-san, anything for you,” Nishinoya blinked to break the bad feeling that had settled inside him.

“Yuu I don’t know how to thank you, you’re a good friend, I like you and your company so much,” Azumane spoke innocently and smiled at his friend with a cheerful and sincere face.

_ Oh, don’t say it, don’t say that I’m your friend and you like me, it hurts, it pains me, those words are heavy _ . The bicolor had to take a deep breath and make a poker face for his feelings, opening a painful smile for the boy in front of him.  _ It's no use saying you like me if you don't love me the same way, you have no idea what these phrases do to me and what I feel for you _ .

“Hahahaha, what's it, Asahi-san! Show me the options that I will give my opinions.”

Hours went by, clothes rolled over the room, sometimes people passed by and also helped them as they were two lost ones who did not know what they were doing. Sometimes the will to call Kiyoko beat however none of them had the courage to do it because they feared the blow they would get, especially Azumane, for calling the former libero to help him in something that the youngest had not done alone.

“Among the rest, this is the best, I'm sure.” Yuu spoke pointing to the black garments at the top and striped in the vertical black and gray at the bottom

“This is a great choice, very traditional.” The salesman said, smiling at them.

Tired, the bicolor looked satisfied at his choice. He knew Azumane would look good in that outfit even though it meant that his beloved would not belong to him but to someone else. He accepted that he would be alone at that moment, he only hoped that Mai could love him enough because he knew that although he tried to give his heart to the other, the other would not be accepted.

“Alright, my job here is done.”

“But Asahi-san, you didn’t do anything.”

“You are cruel Noya, you’re hurting my feelings.” Azumane pretended to be hurt and forced Nishinoya to put a simple smile on his face.

_ Cruel is you not love me back _ .

**[~]**

Now it was three days before the damn wedding happened. Three days that separated him and his love forever and definitely. It wasn't like they were close, or rather, they  _ weren't _ , not like they were before at the time of Karasuno. 

Lying in his bed he remembered that it was the day the Bachelor Party would happen, as it was kindly nicknamed by his friends, in Azumane’s house. Without the courage to get up to participate in the party, he was not in the mood and would never be because his goal would never be realized, his feelings would never be exposed. He would never speak but could write about it.

Nishinoya decided it was the moment to write about them and plan about what he would do after the fateful day. He was not excited about anything, he wondered how he was coping with that pain, the feeling of being torn every time he was reminded of what was to come.

He thought about what he could do to get rid of it because he no longer wanted to spend the rest of his life like that, as if he were incomplete, empty, unhappy, imperfect. Until he had an idea.

His days were over.

**[~]**

That was the day he wished it would never exist and never come. Unfortunately he couldn't control the weather and couldn't stop it from coming.

Yuu was there, properly dressed in the kimono he rented along with Tanaka, waiting for his beloved to finish getting ready so they could go to the ceremony site. He looked gorgeous with his hair caught in a braid, haori black over the same colored kimono and hakama striped gray and black, dressed like the beautiful groom he was. Kiyoko would be proud when he saw that it was he who chose the outfit.

When everything was ready, they left and headed for the place where Azumane's fate would be sealed and not with him.

It didn't take them long to get there. The room was adorned with red and white flowers as an attempt to simulate purity and love, without success. Every moment he was reminded how this marriage happened, he felt it had less than purity and love since it was arranged. Nishinoya knew he was sad that it was not him who was there with his love and even bothered, after all he had no idea why he was still there in an event that brings his beloved's life together with someone else who is not him.

He sighed nervously and remembered his plan. That night would not be like the ones he was used to, mainly because Asahi seemed more charming than usual. And again he would be there just looking.

Nishinoya met with his friends to relax his thoughts, making jokes he never made again and having fun like he never had before. He knew it would all be over in no time because it was just the bride entering the room that all the reality he was trying to forget would come back like a bucket of cold water.

When Nametsu came in, he wasn’t prepared for that scene as he was not for his feelings and regrets. Azumane was right, the girl really was beautiful and the chosen kimono highlighted her beauty even more. The white kimono had some greenish details that reminded Datekou's colors.

At that moment, Nishinoya felt lonely even though the hall was full of well-known and friendly people, but none of this made him feel welcomed, comfortable, protected,  _ loved _ .

The wedding began, now the bride and groom paid attention to themselves and the ceremonialist. Everything that happened passed in slow motion to the ex libero and that was torturing. He saw when they signed the papers, now they were both Azumane and their world finally collapsed, but he could not yet let himself be felt, he still had a mission to accomplish.

After seeing them kiss Yuu was absolutely sure he wouldn't last another second without holding back the tears yet he tried to be strong, he still had a speech to give at the groom's request.

He waited when everyone was seated and listened when they asked those who had speeches to speak. Yuu got up from the table that he was now sharing with the Tanakas and went to an available space near the grooms' and relatives' table where it had a microphone.

“I want to propose a toast to the groo-oms,” _ calm down Yuu, you can do it _ , “To Azumane-san and Nametsu-san! Oh, I forgot, now you’re Azumane-san too.” He joked and laughed making the others laugh too but his chest was compressed, it hurted. “I hope you are happy. To the bride and groom!”

“To the bride and groom!”

Tanaka hugged him by the shoulders and raised his glass of champagne while toasting the nothing. Nishinoya was sure that if Ryuunosuke hadn't been drunk, he would have noticed the desperation in his eyes as he watched the newlyweds exchange passionate glances. Not only did his world collapse, it already was fragmented and broken. He felt he was falling into an endless abyss.

Yuu waited for all the statements to be made in order to get closer to the Azumanes, he needed to keep the posture of best friend happy for the other even if at that moment it was just a lie, the biggest of all.

“Asahi-san and Mai-san, I hope you enjoy your day, it's not always that we get married hahaha,”  _ just hold on a little longer, Yuu, you can perform perfectly _ . “I have an appointment early tomorrow, so I won't be able to party with yo-ou anymore,”  _ don't cry now, Yuu, you're stronger than this will _ . “Here's a letter for you, Asahi-san, I hope you open it only after your party, after all, today is your day. And here, one for you too, Mai-san, no need to be jealous hahaha. Ah, before I forget, your gift is inside the envelope.”

“Thank you so much for your consideration, Nishinoya-san,” the woman thanked, smiling sweetly at him.

“Noya, you didn’t need to give us a present.”

“I wanted, you deserved. Cheers!”

“Thank you for everything Noya, you’re a good friend.”

_ Friend, friend, friend _ . He never hated that word as much as he hated it now. 

He ran home alone, that's how he was and felt, alone on the dark streets of Miyagi Prefecture. The poles lit up, created the shadows of everything that touched his light and yet he was still lonely.

He opened the door of his house, running to his room without thinking twice. He'd already prepared everything. I wouldn't live in a world where he and Asahi wouldn't be together. Azumane was happy with his now wife, so it was his turn to seek freedom from everything he felt, which imprisoned the seven keys.

Nishinoya Yuu wouldn't last that night.

**[~]**

The event was over and Asahi could finally rest. He was worried about his best friend when he left after wishing him well, it was strange because he remembered that the former libero enjoyed parties with his friends and, well, this was one with them. He was also curious to see what was in the letter Yuu gave him, especially when he asked to read after the party. Well, it was over, so he could open it, huh?

Asahi took the envelope and opened it, slowly removed the paper he had inside and left the money there. He unfolded it slowly with care, it should be important for Yuu to deliver it personally.

“ _ Asahi-san, I decided to write because I couldn’t speak. _

_ I love you. I don’t know when I started nurturing these feelings for you, but they've been around for a long time. _

_ Those last few months have been hell in my life, knowing that you were going to get married and then fell in love with Nametsu-san, it hurt deeply, but I know you're being honest with me and her when you say you fell in love, you liked her and now you must love her like you would never love me. I believe in your feelings for her and I sincerely hope that you will be happy even if it hurts me. _

_ After all the melancholy I felt, I wondered if I could believe what you told me years ago, that one day someone would like me. I didn't want someone, I wanted you. _

_ The only sentence I wanted to say out loud to you, besides proclaiming my love for you, is: _

_ Don’t go. _ ”

Despair began to take over, that was not good, Azumane had a very bad feeling of what could have happened. His mind was working at full speed as he read the letter tirelessly over and over again, feeling like it was a farewell even if at no point did he write something like “goodbye” or “I won't be here”.

“Namet-, I mean, Mai, where is the letter Nishinoya gave you?”

The girl realized that he was worried and anxious and tried to understand what was happening while looking for the envelope. With it in her hands, she opened it and read it out loud for her husband to hear.

“Nametsu Mai-san, you are a good person and I am forever grateful that it was you who married Asahi-san. I hope you can make him happy for me, be a wonderful person and a good wife for this fool. Take care of him for me.” She looked at the paper in her hands, without understanding. Something clicked in her mind, it couldn’t be. “Asahi, what happened with Nishinoya? Where is he?”

Even if she didn’t know the bicolor very well, she knew that her partner had an appreciation for him, liked his company and considered him his best friend.

“Asahi, let’s go to his house now.”

“You don’t need to go.”

“Asahi, look at me in my eyes. I’m going.”

Azumane pretended not to listen to his wife, apologized to her, went out into the street and took a taxi that passed while listening to his wife scream his name. He knew that later he would have to explain why he didn't take her when he returned.

His heart was racing and tight, his mind was at a thousand an hour, Asahi hoped that nothing he imagined had happened while praying to any god that he was wrong and his friend (friend?) was at home, sleeping peacefully, taking a fright at his sudden arrival, laughing embarrassed and asking him not to worry because he would go on with his life.

He got out of the cab in a hurry telling the driver he could keep the change. The door to the house wasn't locked but it wasn't strange coming from Yuu. The room was dark, he turned on the lights while unsuccessfully looking for some trace of the bicolor. The kitchen had a light on and some drawers open, his panic increased, it was much worse than the nervousness he felt before a volleyball match in high school.

Azumane never opened the door of his friend's room (is he a friend?) as hard as he did now. There was the reason for all his affliction, lying on the bed in his pajamas, the clothes he wore at the wedding properly folded into a bag. He was pale, with medicines scattered on the bed and on the floor.

_ Oh no, please, you can’t do it to me _ .

He picked up the little one in his lap, touching his whole body, it was freezing. He tried to feel the pulse that was thin, almost nonexistent. His heart squeezed, beating desperately against his chest which increased his anguish.

“Noya, Noya, don’t do it to me, please,” the tears came out of his eyes, out of control, soaking them. “Don't leave me.”

_ Don’t go. _

At that moment, Asahi recovered from all the times he had met Yuu since he told him about the wedding. The first was the bicolour declaring himself serious and then saying it was a joke; the second happened just after saying that Mai would look beautiful in any outfit, it had not been his impression the melancholy in Nishinoya’s eyes, just as they sparkled when he said he had a request, as if waiting for something  _ he did not give _ , also the strange way he spoke  _ best friends _ .

Asahi had a conversation with Tanaka one day and he told him how Yuu acted strange when he commented on the wedding and soon after he started playing. The third time was when he asked for help with the kimono in which Yuu seemed very disappointed when he realized why their meeting was about that, as if he couldn't take it anymore. The fourth and last time was now, hours ago, when he made the speech and soon after, delivering the letters.

He wondered what kind of person he was when he didn't understand all these signals from his friend, not to mention that he called him “Asahi-san” more often, something he hadn't even noticed until he connected the dots now.

After all these revelations, Asahi realized that Nishinoya was not only his best friend but his beloved. He always sought the presence of the other, to hear his voice, to have his company, even when days went by without speaking, he missed him.

This achievement came at the worst time, Azumane could have prevented everything that's happening now if he had touched his own feelings for the former libero. Yuu would not have been in the situation they were in if he had seen that the statement of the first day was true and not a joke.

Crying harder, Asahi put his ear to Nishinoya's chest to try to hear some sign of life, since he had checked his pulse a few seconds or minutes before, he couldn't remember, and was very slow.

He didn't hear or feel his heartbeat.

Too bad he touched himself too late to do anything, if he had noticed it before. Now his death was his fault and no one would take it from his mind.

Asahi isn’t a good friend, a good lover or someone who deserved to be loved because if he was, Yuu would not have died. He could live his hopeless life now knowing that he couldn’t save his beloved’s one, and Asahi was blaming himself for not having noticed before.

Now everything that happened with Yuu was his fault, he could feel it. It was killing him inside.

**[~]**

Azumane didn’t know how many days had passed but he was sure that it had not yet completed a week of his marriage and his death.

He entered the graveyard holding a bouquet of flowers, he couldn’t remember which were his favorites but Asahi knew they were the color he liked. The day was sunny, different from his cloudy feelings of sadness, incompetence and resentment.

On his way to Nishinoya's tombstone, Azumane had been feeling heavier, more sensitive and incapable, after all he didn't notice anything to avoid the tragedy. His friends told him to be strong and reinforced that none of it was his fault but he could not believe the words of comfort from others. He kept repeating the last meetings and the letter in his mind like a mantra. It was his fault.

He stopped when he found what he was looking for.

_ Nishinoya Yuu (1995 – 2018) _ , 22 years. 

Loving him didn't seem wrong but it was certainly painful since he was no longer among the living.

“Hi Yuu,” Asahi said, opening a small smile filled with regret. “I miss you, how is there on the other side?” He knew he wouldn’t get answers and didn’t understand why I was still trying. It was like he wanted the ghost of the former libero to show up and talk to him.

In those moments, he wanted something for his memory to make him feel better, it could be a remedy or something else. Even if Asahi couldn't see his face, he remembered that it was something calm and serene, it seemed like a melody for his senses to remember his voice. Anything related to Yuu did not come out of his mind so much that he thought he was being persecuted by his spirit, not to mention that from the day he died, he dreamed of the boy alive and Asahi woke up with the feeling that it was all just a nightmare until he faced reality: Nishinoya had passed away, and he, Azumane, was unable to keep him alive.

It made the guilt eat him up more and more, if he could have figured it all out before...

“You know Noya, I get those flowers for you, I hope you like them because I didn’t remember which one you liked but I’m sure this color is to your liking.” Azumane deposited the bouquet of white lilies in front of the tomb. “Since the day you left I… still can’t believe it. Yuu, you couldn’t have done that because I–,” he sat on your legs, caring little if he got his pants dirty. “I can only think of you to the point every time I close my eyes, you come to my head and leave me in a world where you're still here with me, not waiting for me on the other side.”

He sighed, taking his breath and courage to continue.

“I just wanted you here,” Asahi let the tears fall and didn't care if he were sobbing loudly. That was your moment to expose to the other what was stuck in your throat the last few days. “I wish I had told you that I love you too because I love you.”

He sighed again, passing his fingers through the petals of one of the lilies and feeling the soft texture of the flower. How Azumane would give anything to be able to do that with Nishinoya, caress his face, be with him, pluck big smiles from the lips of the other, kiss him.

“I hope you will wait for me and in the future we can be together. Now, please, don’t leave me alone, appear in my dreams every night.”

_ Don’t leave there too, don’t leave my life. _

**Author's Note:**

> So, I would like to thank you for reading this. I translated it so I hope it’s good to understand ;;’  
> This idea came after I heard for the first time the song IU - Ending Scene, but I was also influenced by Vocaloid - Ikanaide and Lana del Rey - Dark Paradise, with a small reference to Hamilton - Satisfied.


End file.
